164. Unfaithful
This is totally how most of my comics enter my awareness.
So, I have a confession. Two, actually. One is scarier than the other.
1. I worked out why making comics got difficult. I think it’s because they stopped being about me and the happenings in my life. (Hence the fourth wall demolition we see here.) Which leads me nicely to…
2. I’m not polyamorous. Er. It’s not as bad as it sounds. I have been thoroughly homed under the umbrella for quite some time because I don’t do monogamy, but I guess I just hadn’t “come out” as aromantic here? I don’t actually do romantic relationships at all. (Remember the detachable cake platform? That’s me, right there.) I feel silly explaining this. This is how it goes:
Someone who reads the comic: Ohai! So you’re polyamorous? (or something)
Me: *cannot lie* Erm. Nooo… *worried face*
Someone: But you make a poly webcomic! You traitor/fiend/faker!
Me: Well, I’m not monogamous. And I love many people in a variety of ways, but I’m just not romantically-inclined. Also I’m an established member of a long-term polyamorous family.
Someone: So, in what way are you not polyamorous?
Me: I… don’t do relationships.
In particular, in my relationships there are no boundaries, definitions, expectations or “bargains” that make them different from friendships. But, as you can see from the above typical conversation, the effect is very very similar to polyamory. Possibly the main difference is I only need to talk to my friends about the sex* I’m having for health reasons rather than established emotional gubbins, and it is worth noting that introducing people to my mum is less scary.
So there we are. Now I’ve got that off my chest. Phew.
*Very little. I’m also asexual, heheheh. I tell you, the strict Christians down the road do not know what to do with me. “You love all the people, but you don’t have sex with them? Here, have some God anyway, whatever, it can’t hurt.”
I…I don’t know what to do with this information. I mean, I’m happy that there’s someone else out there like me (And I think I’m jealous of your arrangement! lol), but I don’t want to be creepy. So….here’s an Internet high-five! *clap*
Woohoo! *clap*
In what way are you like me? Multiple-y married, or aromantic, or some other thing(s)? See, now I am the creepy one.
I had understood the “like me” to be “no boundaries, definitions, expectations or “bargains”” because that is what “Lotte is like”. Omg that is a lot of speechmarks.
What arrangement? Do you mean making someone breakfast in bed sometimes when they don’t get out of bed; letting them have a key to your house so you nolonger have to go to all the trouble of inviting them or be there when they turn up; and not throwing away their toothbrush when they leave? Or do you mean doing all of the above, with someone who doesn’t even think you’re special? That guy (presumed) with the stubble must be a bit of a tosser.
This comment totally hasn’t gone as I planned. I’m so sorry.
Um, kudos to you, RobynM.
Yes, I was more confused by the arrangement bit, too. I assumed being in a long-term poly family? Robyn, come and enlighten us!
Stubble Guy does come across as a bit of a tosser in some ways to some people, I guess. There’s a future comic we have planned about “bad guests” that fits this theme. Erm. Some behaviour that seems more tossish to most people is behaviour that I find to be a bit of a relief.
Ok, I’d like to try again and be nice this time. RobynM, I totally understand what it’s like to have nobody really ‘get’ you and to have no friends like yourself (and to wish you had some). And it isn’t creepy (what you didn’t say) – to me, it’s lovable.
I am demisexual and poly. Doesn’t matter what you are, as long as it makes you happy and your partners happy as well. Thank you for such an awesome look at things in your comics. 🙂
I don’t particularly see any contradiction between being polyamorous and aromantic. amor != romance
No, I don’t think there’s a contradiction, and for many people there is an overlap, I guess?
I’ve known a few asexual and/or aromantic people. Not something I see as a big deal. More power to you for being open about who you are, but really no ones business anyway.
I have to say it seems ironic to me, after years of hearing poly folks shouting ‘It’s not all about the sex!’ to hear you say you aren’t poly because you don’t have sex. But, ultimately what you identify as is your choice. The life and relationships you describe fits my understanding and definition of polyamory, but its your understanding and definition that matter.
Whatever else, may you be happy in your relationships (of whatever form) and live life to your own drum.
Eek! That should be ‘the life and relationship you describe, etc etc’ Oh for an edit button! (and for not writing with baby crawling around my lap!)
Heheh, I have corrected it for you! 🙂 And, thank you.
I’ve pondered this a lot, because I haven’t had another partner for a couple of years now. I still entirely feel poly though, because I kind of see poly as a different way of looking at relationships. Our culture totally elevates the romantic relationship above all others. You’re meant to get with someone, then not live with or focus on any other friends or family to the detriment of your partner. If a friend/relative comes to live with you, that’s seen more as an intrusion than a valid choice to live in a community of more-than-two. Living with more people than that probably means you can’t stand to be alone with your partner. The ideal is always to be reduced down to this one small unit of relationship.
My poly-based view is that I have all this different relationships of differing importance, and it’s nothing to do with sex being involved or not. My main relationship is my son. My next big relationship is probably my partner, and then my polyfamily and birth family, etc etc, but this changes all the time. I don’t think that mono-normative thinking allows these relationships to be acknowledged as the jumbled up, ever-changing spectrum that they are. And it doesn’t give you the freedom to value fluid relationships which fall outside of narrowly defined roles. It’s ok to have a BFF who you love and adore, but if you sleep with her than wtf?!
This makes a lot more sense in my brain, I promise!
It is a beautiful work of art, lovely one.
Holy carp, low blood suar sucks!!
I was going to correct the spelling, but thought it expressed the feeling perfectly.
Maybe that could be part of being poly, though? I mean since poly includes all sorts of relationships, so why not also include those that are aromantic? Or maybe that is simply called life? 😉
Yes! I think it depends how you define poly. If it’s by exclusion (ie: poly = non-monogamy) then I guess I am poly, but I think there are lots of types of relationship orientations that are non-monogamous and also non-poly. I can’t think of any now because I have low blood sugar and so my brain is on the fritz! (My lunch is in the oven.) Can anyone think of any?
I do seem to be defining myself entirely by exclusion. I am agender, aromantic, asexual. I’m basically saying “I am nothing that anyone else is.” I wonder if that Says Things About Me. I wonder if I should Stop Analysing Myself. 😛
My definition for what you are is “awesome”. And yeah, I’m gonna be a dick and force my label on you SO THERE 😛
YOU BASTARD!!! :O
PS: <3
you make me feel OK about not really *doing relationships*
I like people, i shag people, i love people, i play with people.. But relationships just don’t sit right for me!! Im trying again, a couple i see, ‘open-poly’ title feels ok so far. But i think they would understand if i find it doesn’t work for me.
Thanks for this web comic in general btw 🙂 It’s cute and charming
Don’t compromise! There, that’s me done with telling you what to do. 😛 I am glad you’ve found some lovely people who understand.
I get really annoyed at poly people who will say “oh, you’re not poly, because *you’re asexual/you’re aromantic/you’re single/you’re with only one person right now*. I’m the last one, but I don’t think of myself as a person who is, in any serious way, monoamorous. Indeed, I wouldn’t mind if you were monoamorous, as purely so as they come (a friend is simply not attracted at all to anyone other than her partner, in any way), and were writing this comic, because this comic is clearly informed by the experiences of poly people, and is sincere and truthful and honest. Thank you.
“sincere and truthful and honest.” – :,)
Three points:
1: this strip is adorable.
2: that cat is adorable.
3: I find it quite awesome that a not-polyamorous-but-not-monogamous person makes a poly webcomic.
Being different is awesome. Aromanticism resonates with me, I just don’t really know how to come out about it. People don’t seem to understand that I love my friends and have sex with some of them, but don’t want a significant other or a life time commitment or the usual things I guess. I just like making people happy.
Can you be happysexual? I think that could explain everything for me.
Like, sexually attracted to happiness? AWESOME. 😀
I believe it was this comic that first put into words the idea that the appropriate response to any statement of identity is COOL STORY BRO
CAKE?
but I don’t have any cake and without it the COOL STORY BRO seems kind of mean, so you’re going to have to make do with warm, cakey feelings instead. 🙂
Warm, cakey feelings enhance my life. 🙂 Thank you!
<3
I feel compelled to leave a comment even though I don't really know what to say. Hence the less-than-three.
I guess you should just know that I think you're all kinds of awesome.
the spoons have smiley faces on them!
~swoon~
YES! SOMEONE NOTICED! 😀
I can’t brain right now, but warm fuzzies are being directed your way. I’m a wtfromantic ace-of-some-sort who really doesn’t know how they’d like to shape their life-relationships and… it’s just nice to hear that different options are working out for different people. It’s nice to be reminded that I’ve got a whole bunch of perfectly viable options.
+1 to your comic as well as your brave words. I have followed your webcomic for some time now and not only laughed, but also refer to some of the content in my monthly discussion group on Polyamory. I fully support what you have created here and applaud you for your strength, honesty, and provocative creativity. Kudos and keep up the good work!
Aww, that is so lovely! 🙂 Thank you for saying so. *lots of smile*
I’ve heard it’s termed ethical non-monogamy. I still feel like it fits under the poly umbrella and not truly outside of it. I can have a perfectly lovely amicable non-sexual relationship with someone but still love them dearly. The joy of being poly is that we get to make up the rules or lack thereof because we’re all still making this up as we go. The spectrum is broad and the configurations are neigh on endless. Kudos for figuring out what was bugging you and who you are. 😀
Honestly? It’s just awesome that you are so aware about relationships and genders and sexualities and people and it’s great. Even when it’s not about polyamory, your comic is funny, insightful, delightfully silly and human and kind. You have a good thing going and I for one am glad to read it.
It’s such a weird idea that it’d be some sort of deceit to write /draw about a situation you’re not precisely in, yourself. (I could, for instance, not write about men, straight women, people in romantic relationships, non-“white” people, anybody with a religious faith, people holding office jobs…)
I am a bit too pooped to go into the details, but for various reasons, PiP has made me more encouraged /motivated to start /continue a comic idea of my own. It’s also helped in getting started on figuring out what kind of social /lover / etc structures I’d be happier. I often get key-tied when trying to comment, but I really enjoy reading it. <3
Wow, you pretty much described how I work… unfortunately I’m not part of a poly family 🙁